{"id":90,"date":"2014-06-04T00:10:13","date_gmt":"2014-06-04T00:10:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/melaniebaldonado.wordpress.com\/?p=90"},"modified":"2014-10-02T00:01:41","modified_gmt":"2014-10-02T07:01:41","slug":"negging-backfires-yo-try-hurtlessness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/melaniebaldonado.com\/?p=90","title":{"rendered":"Negging Backfires Yo, Try Hurtlessness"},"content":{"rendered":"

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.”<\/em><\/p>\n

It was a song we sang as kids\u00a0as our first line\u00a0of\u00a0defense, and it was necessary to learn.\u00a0\u00a0For the rest of our lives we would be defending ourselves against words and names.\u00a0 It was an instant armor for our psyche.\u00a0 An armor as thin as a lie, because that’s what it was made of.<\/p>\n

I guess this\u00a0is on my mind because this past week, an ex-boyfriend called to apologize.\u00a0\u00a0We broke up nine months ago.\u00a0 His reason for\u00a0apologizing was because he never trusted me.\u00a0\u00a0I don’t care that he didn’t trust me, we weren’t together long enough for me to earn his\u00a0trust.\u00a0\u00a0The apology should have come because he was\u00a0careless with words.\u00a0 If he wasn’t careless, then he was methodical, and was finding ways to “neg” me.<\/p>\n

\"the_art_of_backstabbing_by_tabby_like_a_cat\"<\/a>

The affect of “negging,” insults, and back-handed compliments.<\/p><\/div>\n

Eek..\u00a0“negging”…\u00a0 If you want to get a girl into bed,\u00a0\u00a0tell her\u00a0negative comments about her appearance.\u00a0\u00a0Make her feel bad about herself.\u00a0 Bad enough to sleep with a guy she wouldn’t normally sleep with.\u00a0 Break her spirit, and viola! She opens her legs!<\/p>\n

The phrase was coined by a male writer, but let’s not pretend girls don’t use “negging” to get what they want.\u00a0 This practice goes both ways.<\/p>\n

I don’t want to believe that my ex-boyfriend was consciously “negging” me.\u00a0\u00a0I think he was a decent guy\u00a0who didn’t realize\u00a0his impact\u00a0when he criticized or gave me genuine back-handed compliments. Call me impatient, but I broke up with\u00a0him\u00a0after two weeks of becoming exclusive.\u00a0 Can he even be considered an ex-boyfriend?\u00a0 I don’t know.\u00a0 We\u00a0courted for three months prior, but…<\/p>\n

\"This<\/a>

This is not me, although, it would be nice to have a guy who looked like him.<\/p><\/div>\n

Oh sex, I know, everyone wants to know about sex, because sex\u00a0is a reflection on the depth of a relationship.\u00a0 Here’s the deal.\u00a0 You can’t have good, spiritual sex with someone unless you both make yourselves vulnerable enough to accept a part each other\u00a0that is beyond the physical.\u00a0 You must let go of the grip on your soul.<\/strong><\/p>\n

We weren’t sexual until we were exclusive, and it only happened twice.<\/p>\n

Two times in two weeks sounds like someone cutting down on cigarettes.\u00a0 Yikes.<\/p>\n

I’m not perfect.\u00a0 I will own that it takes me time to warm up to a person, that I don’t open my heart easily. \u00a0I will also own that I don’t let people know when they hurt me.\u00a0 Maybe because I was bullied as a kid and I still\u00a0carry feelings that\u00a0I don’t want anyone to have the satisfaction of making me cry.\u00a0 Sometimes this block makes people think I don’t care what they do or say to me. I know I’m a hard read.<\/p>\n

My new boyfriend was becoming unsure of us.\u00a0 To\u00a0get reassurance,\u00a0 he tested my feelings by\u00a0injuring.\u00a0 It’s a natural thing that people do. We’ve all had\u00a0a significant other pick a fight with us.\u00a0 It’s a move out of insecurity, and it’s made because they don’t think that we are moved enough by them.\u00a0 Everyone wants\u00a0to feel they make\u00a0an impact, and he tried to make his with words.<\/p>\n

They were slight words. Covert phrases.\u00a0 Masked in compliments and other people’s words.<\/p>\n

“When I first\u00a0saw you, I didn’t even\u00a0think you were that pretty, but after getting to know you, and who you were on the inside,\u00a0I\u00a0discovered that\u00a0you were beautiful.”<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Why did he have to say it that<\/em> way?<\/p>\n

\""That<\/a>

“That pretty.”<\/p><\/div>\n

What is “that<\/em> pretty?”\u00a0 Is anyone really so<\/em> pretty she\u00a0be cruel and no one will protest?\u00a0“Julie is allowed\u00a0cut off\u00a0Ellen’s\u00a0ponytail at the base of her head\u00a0and wave it\u00a0in her face, while laughing hysterically, pointing, and filming it, and we will still love Julie… she’s that<\/em> pretty.” \u00a0No one is that<\/em> pretty.<\/p>\n

“That <\/em>pretty” stuck with me.\u00a0 When\u00a0insensitive words come out of the mouths of people we care about, those words cut\u00a0like a sword\u00a0covered in\u00a0poison.<\/strong> When he first saw me, he didn’t think I was “that<\/em> pretty.”<\/p>\n

“That<\/em> pretty” doesn’t exist in my world.\u00a0 It existed in his, and he let me know that whatever “that<\/em> pretty” was, I wasn’t it.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

But it was okay, because my insides were made of gold.\u00a0 “Thank you for the compliment!\u00a0 I’ll use it\u00a0to bandage over the gash you just created.\u00a0 Thank you, you’re so wonderful.\u00a0 I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend.”<\/p>\n

“I’ve dated really, really hot girls in my life, I mean like, 10’s. But there’s a reason they’re not around anymore, and you are.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Entourage’s “Perfect 10” model. I’m sure that no one he dated looked like this, but, whatevs.<\/p><\/div>\n

To this day, I will never understand why he made this statement twice. What I heard was that he had\u00a0the potential to get really, really hot girls, and even they\u00a0had screwed things up with him.\u00a0I should\u00a0stay on my toes and also be appreciative of his affection,\u00a0\u00a0especially since in his eyes,\u00a0I’m not\u00a0“that pretty.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Conversations piggyback on one another.<\/p>\n

I’ve heard people say, “They’re just words, harmless letters, joined together to form sounds with which we have shared communication, only you can give them importance…”<\/p>\n

World leaders have become legends with words.\u00a0 President Reagan said “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down these walls.”\u00a0 Metaxa is remembered simply for saying “NO” to Mussolini.\u00a0Words have potential and carry responsibility.<\/strong><\/p>\n

After the “really, really, hot girls” comment, I\u00a0thought of coming\u00a0back with, “I’ve dated really nice, handsome, wealthy, smart, and successful\u00a0people in my life. But there’s a reason they’re not here anymore, and that reason is that one of us broke up with the other.\u00a0 Trust me, if one of them were still around,\u00a0\u00a0you wouldn’t\u00a0be.”<\/p>\n

But I didn’t use those words.\u00a0 When words\u00a0come from a place of hurt, they\u00a0tend to hurt back.\u00a0We think we are only throwing\u00a0rocks. That’s why it’s easy to fire back.\u00a0Once airborne\u00a0these rocks\u00a0grow into\u00a0boulders, causing Thor-like\u00a0damage when they land.<\/p>\n

Bones and bruises heal, but remembered words\u00a0are eternal in the minds and hearts of the living.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I kept my mouth shut and let my brain process. We were one and a half weeks into a relationship that I knew was going to end very quickly, all because he was unaware of the effects of his words, and I don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit.<\/p>\n

\"heartbreakanime\"<\/a>The value of his deeds began to diminish.\u00a0Holding the door open, pulling out a chair,\u00a0and buying me dinner meant\u00a0nothing when\u00a0he quoted\u00a0something I told him\u00a0a former\u00a0boss\u00a0said\u00a0to\u00a0support his list of\u00a0things I needed to work on.\u00a0\u00a0That’s a cold betrayal, agreeing with someone’s former\u00a0boss!<\/p>\n

I couldn’t take it anymore.<\/p>\n

“Do you want to be single?\u00a0 I think we should be single.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Those were my words. It was a swift axe, I know, but I won’t stand for a relationship filled with loveless words.\u00a0 I had to walk away.\u00a0 Not only for me, but also for him.\u00a0 I know I have the potential to destroy someone with words.\u00a0 I’ve done it before.\u00a0 I still struggle to forgive myself for one of those times,\u00a0when I lashed out at\u00a0my sister ten years ago.
\n<\/a>I left to save the both of us from hurt.<\/p>\n

\"I<\/a>

I wanna talk about YOU.<\/p><\/div>\n

I\u00a0most likely\u00a0would have cheated had I stayed.\u00a0\u00a0Wearing down anyone’s psyche is a very dangerous game.\u00a0 If you methodically break someone, they will know how to break you back.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

As he gave me the list of\u00a0his deeds that made him an \u00a0excellent boyfriend, and\u00a0my lack of deeds that made me\u00a0a horrible new girlfriend, I thought of a former love who still loved me and wasn’t afraid to say it.\u00a0 I started thinking about all of the possibilities I still had access to, right there in my\u00a0phone.\u00a0 One text\u00a0away from\u00a0being with\u00a0someone who\u00a0had never thrown his “really, really, hot” exes in my face.\u00a0\u00a0The more he talked, the better they seemed.<\/p>\n

I would have cheated. \u00a0100%.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I would have broken him.\u00a0 Because\u00a0I started seeing him as a\u00a0manipulative\u00a0asshole who\u00a0pretended\u00a0to be nice.\u00a0 The longer I stayed with him, the more I would have become him.<\/p>\n

“Negging” backfires, yo.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When my ex called the other day I told him the truth as lightly but honestly as possible.\u00a0I wished him well, but\u00a0didn’t like him very much.\u00a0 I felt that he perpetrated himself to be a nice person but that he said hurtful things\u00a0due his insecurity.\u00a0 I told him that his dark places were mean.\u00a0 The fact is- I knew him nine months ago.\u00a0 I have no idea who he is now.\u00a0 He might be whole and healed and confident and wonderful.\u00a0 He might have become the man of my dreams.\u00a0 I can’t take that chance.<\/p>\n

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I’ll feel like punching myself in the face.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Love isn’t easy.\u00a0 Sometimes, the ways we\u00a0learn love\u00a0are filled with manipulation. It takes\u00a0awareness and effort\u00a0to break free of those traits. If you aren’t ready to love someone else, don’t try.\u00a0 Don’t stick around for hurt, because you will hurt back.\u00a0 You can only carry so much of it on your soul before you start to share it.<\/p>\n

We all\u00a0have the ability to be nice and the ability to be hurtful.\u00a0 More importantly, we have the ability to be\u00a0“hurtless.”\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Being\u00a0“hurtless” is so much easier than the opposite.\u00a0\u00a0Try it.\u00a0 You’ll probably live longer.\u00a0 You’ll definitely live easier.<\/p>\n